Carbs Make You Smart

Over the past few months, my parents have accumulated a waelth of information regarding nutrition and dietary habits. They've started a regimen of about seventeen different dietary supplements and have reviewed the high points and successes of various fad-diets.

The most popular of these diets are those which suggest that eliminating carbohydrates almost entirely is the best way to shed those unwanted pounds. Instead, these diets, developed by experts in the field of dietary science, assert that consuming disproportionate amounts of protein will allow you to maintain a lean physique.

Heretofore, these people have been avoiding most meat, with the solitary exception of fish, as if it were the next stain of airborne HIV. Any foods containing fat were also eliminated from the list of approved digestibles, leaving narrow options at any neighborhood restaurant.

These hippies-with-PhD's arguments must have been more than solid (or filled to the brim with anti-carb propaganda and brainwashing tactics) to completely reverse the overall perception of food in this household. Every word is clung to more strictly than the word of God himself, and before you could say "blood sugar," suddenly I was eating at home like I had been suffering from diabetes from birth.

These low-carb diets present a problem, though. Protein alone renders its consumer a lackluster shell of its former self, too tired to do anything but read about what they're allowed to have in three months if they stick with the diet.

If one wants to follow a recommended nutritional plan, however, the alternatives are few. The FDA's food guide pyramid has been declared false (probably by the same hippies who are writing anti-carb manifestos) and the only thing left out there short of veganism is that 24-hour Hollywood diet that scrapes your entrails with a slurry of toxic garbage that would even make C. Montgomery Burns shudder.

Personally, I think the days of the 4 food groups were a lot simpler. You have four types of food to choose from, and as long as you had a balanced portion of each of them, you were doing alright at the attempt to appear diet-conscious. There was even a cereal, Basic 4, based on those ideals.






But the FDA says that's bunk as of 1996.

So I've developed my own plan that's worked for me as far back as I can remember.

Eat one or two dishes per meal. Return for seconds until you feel full. If no more is available, or if it didn't taste as good as you thought, skip straight to dessert. When in doubt, fill up on carbs.

Pasta, bread, potatoes, fries, hot dog buns, chips; it's doesn't matter, just fill up on carbs. And wash it down with an ice-cold Coca-Cola.

Carbs are brain food. Carbs make you smart.

And they taste awesome.

"Does it work," you ask.

"Shut up," I reply. But seriously, look at me. I haven't gained much weight since I graduated from high school, so obviously something about this diet works.

Or maybe just avoiding McDonald's is what did it.

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