So I was screwing around one day, and with no warning whatsoever, this overly pompous, excessively loud voice booms from within me, making useless statements at random.

Useless, that is, to everyone except the character that owns the voice.

He made outrageous claims in a pretentious British accent as the car immediately ahead of us took eight days to make a right-hand turn.

I am now preparing to make a right-hand turn. The most epic turn in the history of mankind. Stand back, mere mortals as I maneuver my colossally oversized 6-passenger vehicle around this ninety-degree angle and continue on my quest to the single most important location... EVAH!

But then his claims moved outside the realm of simple satire. Wednesday, before the Yankees game, he decided to make a complete fool of himself.

Behold, the single most important pre-baseball event in the history of the sport. Marvel at the spectacle of eighty-seven patriotic songs being sung back-to-back in the most monumental musical composition ever conceived by man! Gawk at the importance of a four-fighter jet flyover at eleven past every hour! Mark your diaries with this information because nothing more important in the history of man will ever take place again!

Yes, I agree. This character had gone way past the mark and was now dabbling in the realms of complete disrespect. But he didn't stop there.

I hereby declare that the words coming out of my mouth transcend the importance of the physical incarnation of the mouth itself. In fact, each word is progressively more important than the one that immediately precedes it. Therefore, I officially copyright every last one of those words for my personal use only. To repeat anything I have ever said is to plagiarize unless you have specific written permission from myself and no one else, provided that this fact be stated when quotation has taken place.

He had to be stopped.

...but how?

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