Geographical Insanity

It may interest those who insist I am insane to know that I really have no control over the situation.

Insanity is a product of an individual's surroundings, including family, friends, and geographical upbringing.

Anyone who has met my family can certainly attest to a general dysfunctional insanity there. The friends department is even more apparent.

What other group of people would agree to making an album praising the glories of cheese, clowns, and breasts? What other group of people would decide to slice a cake with a broadsword? What other group of people would create an area of the music building exclusive to individuals wearing silly hats?

The geographical upbringing part may be leaving an interrogatory punctuation symbol dangling above the head. Allow me to explain.

Birthplace: Shreveport, Louisiana.

“So? What's the big deal?”

  1. Terry Bradshaw
  2. Johnnie Cochran
  3. David Duke

These are the only individuals of any lasting significance who hail from Shreve City. And that's a problem.

Let's start with Mr. Bradshaw. He's completely crazy. Anyone who's seen him on the halftime analysis during any Fox Sports football game and listened to any string of three or more words together knows that in a few years, he'll be giving John Madden a run for his “craziest-fool-in-football-analysis” title.

When my parents were in high school. he QB'd for their rival team. If they went to a college that had any football to speak of, his team would have smashed them to death then as well. When he was on the gridiron, he was in his element.

The moment I discovered he was to be in a movie opposite the Waterboy's mom, I think I soiled my pants in shock and sorrow. And I couldn't sleep for a week. It's probably an improvement to have him saying lines other people wrote, but his pointy bald head should be doing regional car commercials. Not acting in a big-budget movie.

I'd hate to have been at that casting session.

Next up is Johnnie Cochran. Born in the '30s in Caddo Parish. Lawyer. In defending the highest-profile murderer in decades, he comes up with this glorious gem: “If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.”

It takes a truly special lunatic who knows that his client did it, and because he's being paid astronomical sums of money to ignore that fact, decides to play Dr. Seuss in the courtroom.

And it takes a rather insane jury to fall for his trap and actually declare the defendant not guilty.

Crazy lawyer to the stars, from the same town as me. That's gotta rub off, just a little bit.

Then there's the craziest man in recent political history: David Duke.

He was actually born in Tulsa and later moved to Louisiana. I did the opposite, but that wasn't enough to escape the crazy.

He ran for Senate when I was in middle school. Everyone knew he was a grand wizard in the Klan. And with all of this, the town I'm from voted for him. Some may say he was the lesser of two evils, but the man was leader of the Klan.

You'd have to be from a truly insane part of the world to let a man enter politics with that kind of history.

And then he ran for president.

I don't think I ever had a shot at sanity. And if I did, I'd probably be very uncomfortable with the option.

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