The Greens Package

I got home from work one day, and placed on the doorknob was a bag full of stuff and a letter, addressed to me and Brandon.

Its contents were almost identical to those of the package given to us when we moved in. They didn't make sense to me before, but now it seems even more inappropriate.

The letter

Dear   Beauregard & Milligan,

Thank you for choosing The Greens @ Moore as your home. We are very glad that you have been with us for   10½ months  .

We hope you will continue to be with us for a long time to come! Please stop by the office at your earliest convenience to sign your lease renewal.


The Greens @ Moore

Along with this heartfelt fill-in-the-blank form letter, our thoughtful management provided the following objects:

...Thank you?

Seriously, what am I supposed to think about this? I've lived here (according to your records) for 10½ months.

Plastic Cup

I think it's safe to say we've got enough cups by this point. And if you ask me, they really should add “Who pay rent on time!!” into that heart shape. You know the deadbeats don't have a cup like this.


You'd never guess how often I've been looking to measure the length of an item that was less than 6”. Lindsey Management Co., you're a life saver. It's like you're watching me with your Sirius satellites.

Hybrid Pen/Highlighter

Here's how I feel about free office supplies: When I need a pen or a highlighter or a computer monitor or a 6-speed convertible, I'll steal it from work. I don't need free The Greens pens and highlighters intermingling with my free Eskridge pens and potholders.

1 Dozen Mints

And the final item that twists the knife: a dozen mints. You shouldn't have. Does my breath really smell that bad? So bad that you can smell it from five buildings away? I must apologize, but if it's that bad, I think we should be contacting the Guinness book of records right now. We can discuss a lease renewal later.

I really don't have a lot of conversations with the management at my apartment, so any time they contact me speaks volumes for their perception of me. So far, here's what I got.

“We love our stinky-breathed residents with no cups and a compulsive need to measure small objects, but only if we get your money by the 3rd of each month!!”

If I renew my lease, will you promise not to hang another one of those packages on my doorknob?

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