I Am Animé

Today, a coworker of mine suggested to me that I looked like a villain from an animé. A coworker who has never had any outside contact from anyone at OU, unless Curtis spoke with him for awhile last week when he was in town.

This befuddled and flabbergasted me. Until I realised that, yes, I am animé.

I'm done denying it. there's so much evidence there to lead anyone to this conclusion. It's time to embrace reality.

Let's look at the facts:

Clearly, all I'm missing is some douchey protagonist who likes pop music, shopping at the mall all day long, and grows breasts during embarrassing moments.

Now that I understand my life's purpose, it's time to fully perform my role as a Japanimated villain. Heretofore, I've only quietly undermined the status-quo a little bit, whenever I felt it was convenient to do so. It is now time for me to focus my efforts on truly sinister plots.

But first, I need minions. It's feasible to cause a little mischief here and there as a solo act, but to really screw with the system, an army of brainwashed goons is entirely in order. How to acquire these goons, though?

I've got it. I'll start a cult.

That should be easy enough. I mean, those Heaven's Gate folks joined up just for a free pair of sneakers, and I'm a heck of a lot more charismatic than that Marshall Applewhite guy ever was.

I'll just adapt a few teachings from the Scientologists, throw in some nifty Illuminati rituals, tell everyone I have custody of Ronald Reagan's skull, and I'll have all the goons I'll ever need. If there's one thing I've learned from cults, it's that if a technique ain't broke, keep doing it until you've got a housefull of clean slates ready to down a bowl of Kool-Aid for your cause.

With that phase complete, I can now wreak havoc as I see fit. And once I obtain power over the masses, what's the first thing I'm most likely to do? That's right. Build a giant robot, manned by a fourteen-year-old asian girl, and destroy all animé. CDs, DVDs, video tapes, hard drives with DivX'd episodes on it, the original broadcast tapes, any animation cells I can get my hands on, and finally, infect all animé voice actors with a chronic case of bronchitis.

I will fill this new void of entertainment with positive, uplifting programming targeted for the proliferation of my cult's ideals, and instating a global desire to extinguish the sun's harmful rays. All of them.

I'll have other side agendas, to be sure, because I'll have at least 22 episodes before I'm canceled, but that's a chance I'll have to take. I may as well take advantage of the opportunity while the time is right.

Once that's all over, I'll have plenty of time to think about what I've done in the Shady Acres Mental Asylum.

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