Joel Schumacher vs. Batman

I watched Batman and Robin again last night.

Last time I viewed it was about three years ago, and it was the second half of a Schumacherized Gotham-a-thon. During that screening, I tallied all the one-liners that could conceivably be lifted for the trailer production and came up with roughly 2 one-liners per minute.

Because I had preceded that previous screening with Batman Forever, I was completely jaded and had no individual point of reference to clearly identify Batman and Robin as, well, I think Robin stated it best as they were rocketing to the Earth's upper atmosphere: “It's a Bat-Bomb!”

So, with a fresh brain, and, while not having forgotten the general awfulness, but having sort-of forgotten the extent this film's terribleness, I pressed play.

So what makes Batman and Robin so terrible?

As mentioned before, the one-liners are the initial most glaring assault to movie and comic fans alike. The opening six lines in the film are one-liners, strung together to shoddily represent dialogue regarding how cool the Batmobile is. Every six-year-old knows how cool the Batmobile is. The first legitimate line spoken in the movie is performed by Commissioner Gordon, simply to assign Batman with a task to keep him from bantering with his young ward, Dick Grayson.

Then there's the ultimate visual trifecta, at least according to Schumacher. Neon, Blacklight Sensitivity, and Strobe. The whole film looks like it takes place in a 17-year-old emo kid's bedroom. Or some nightclub that went defunct in 1998. This film really should be preceded by an epilepsy warning. Heck, even non-epileptics can end up with a seizure during this lightgasm.

And we've got your feeble attempt at jokes. “Never leave the Batcave without it,” quips Batman as he flashes this beauty:

GothCard

Then there's the inexplicable: what country uses this keyboard? Spacebar at the top? Only 2 rows of letters? And the bottom row is numbers?

Batman's Keyboard

I CAN'T TYPE ON THIS THING!!!

If I think about this movie anymore, I think my brain will explode. Whenever you get the urge to watch this movie, just don't do it. No matter how much fun you think watching it will be, it's simply a bad idea.

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